Vampires that Cough in the Night

This was actually accepted to Tattoo! I'm not all that sure why! But it's funny and weird!

There are, in fact, many types of vampires. There are the cold, dark, deadly vampires that creep around creepy places and love dramatic scenes. There are the more practical vampires who are trained by ninjas and drop in from ceilings, never touch the floor, and are out of the room in ten seconds. There are the vegetarian vampires, who turn into bats at midnight and suck the blood from cows and wandering travelers in the jungle who are not actually not humans but (you don't really want to know what they really are, do you?). But there are also the types of vampires that cough in the night and trip over your slippers you left by your bed. Those are the types that don't really suck your blood, but the types who jump on your bed while you have your nightmares, the ones who carefully move your shoes to opposite sides of the room, who throw your dirty laundry all over the room, who also are the ones who wake you suddenly in the middle of the really really really good dream with their loud coughing (they always have a flu).

Most vampires detest garlic, since it's so strong and it makes the blood they drink taste like lighter fluid mixed with grape juice. Vampires who cough in the night are deathly (haha) allergic to baklava, onions, and cucumbers, especially in the same mixture. When exposed, they break out in hives, swollen/numb lips, and zits that, if you look closely (which you wouldn't want to), look suspiciously similar to the little candy nerds that came from your Christmas stockings which also mysteriously disappeared (which you also blamed dad on). Another side effect to baklonionbers are, instead of coughing, the vampires start sneezing and they have to lie down for a while before they come back to your bedroom at night.

Most vampires (except the ninja ones) sleep in coffins till dusk (the ninja ones meditate on a straw mat). Coughing vampires sleep in bathtubs filled with marshmallows and Styrofoam packing peanuts wearing pink sleeping masks. The bathtubs are typically found inside gopher holes which, if you were to squeeze down inside (which you can't) are very roomy, and furnished with a sink (if you turned on the faucet, mud flows out – its a side effect of living in gopher holes), a bucket (with a hole in it), a yellow teapot (placed proudly on display next to the bathtub), and bright pink bunny slippers with huge puppy dog eyes and grinning sharp – very, very, very sharp – buck teeth (coughing vampires seem to have a fascination with bright pinkness).

Many vampires also hate mirrors. They don't like looking at themselves because of how ugly they think they look (in fact, they are very sensitive about their vanity. They believe that humans faint when they see them because they can't stand how ugly the vampires look – in fact, they are so breathtakingly stunning that the humans faint because they can't believe how ugly they are in comparison to the vampire). It also makes them break out in hives worse than garlic. Coughing vampires are, in fact, not very pretty – they have blue-black hair, pointed ears (like elves), pointed noses, a small goatee, huge thick lips, and a pointed chin. They love mirrors because they often powder their faces to make them look very, very white. They believe that humans faint at the (rare) sight of them because the powder makes them look stunningly breathtaking (the coughing vampires are all very jealous of the others for various reasons), when, in fact, they all faint because the powder makes them so white it blinds them and they faint at how ugly they really are. Also, some humans are allergic to the powder.

There are some rumors that all vampires can turn into bats. The truth is, only a select few vampires can. The creepy drama guys cannot, nor the ninja vampires (it's undignified and not the way of the NINJA). Vegetarian vampires can because the unknown species jungle travelers have such weird blood in them, it changes them (the vampires) into bats. Slowly, after one week and eight days, the vampire will change back into a human form (they look very strange in the middle of the metamorphosis, when their arms are bat wings and they have red eyes and furry feet). Coughing vampires change into annoying bald headed parrots, the type that manage to learn the words you do not want them yelling in the middle of a business dinner. Instead of a regular curved beak, the black and white-faced parrot (always white-faced, they do their best to put powder on their faces with their claws in front of a fancy-shmancy mirror) has a weird humming bird-like beak so they can pick up your shoes easier. There are some rumors that they tried sucking blood with it too, but they only tried it once because the person they tried it on had just eaten baklava for their birthday.

There are some vampires that can also turn into smoke. This is the only characteristic that make the coughing vampires dangerous. The coughing vampires turn into carbon monoxide and sulfuric gas. Fortunately, it's very little, and they don't do it very often, because after telesmoking, the vampires cough harder than ever and need to lie down again. This is one of the things they are so jealous of the other vampires, who telesmoke very gracefully and without any coughing. The others are a little smug about it.